This programme contains strong language and adult humour.

What could be more typically British than this?

A Constable sky, flower-filled meadow and a lovely old castle.

But castles like this testify to a history of invasion and upheaval.

The Celts, the Angles, the Saxons, the Vikings, the Romans, the Normans and not forgetting the Jutes have all made their mark on these shores.

And, recently, people from former colonies in Africa, Asia and the West Indies have made their homes here.

So what do we mean when we say, "I am British"?

Are we really saying, "I am a Jute"?

That's what I'll be asking this week on Bellamy's People.

Are you a Jute?

I'm the award-winning journalist Gary Bellamy.

For the last few years, I've been talking to the people of Britain on my award-winning phone-in programme, Down The Line.

Let's have another call, please.

I've written a poem about fox hunting from the fox's perspective.

BBC Three and Four, they're always in such small print.

Red lines painted on the side of the road on the kerb.

You can't do that! 'But I thought it was high time I got out of my cosy little studio, made myself presentable for TV, 'got myself a Bellamy mobile and actually spoke to you lot face to face,' as I meet Bellamy's People.

Of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland.

We start our journey this week in Newcastle.

I've come to the Royal Britannic Society to find out about the history of Great Britain.

At one point they thought the world was square, didn't they?

No, I don't think they ever thought it was square.

Or a cube.

A cube?

A cube?

Who thought the world was a cube?

People thought you would go off the edge of the horizon.

People believed that a long time ago.

Well, some people thought it was flat.

That's it - flat.

Fascinating.

I'm here with historian Michael Dadd.

I was going to say British historian but that would be confusing, meaning either you were British or you studied British history.

Now, were we always called Great, as in Great Britain because of our military history?

No, no.

It's purely a geographical term.

Originally, Greater Britain, differentiating it from lesser Britain or lesser Britannia, which was Brittany.

Great Britain is the greater area, the greater land mass.

It's absolutely nothing to do with us being great, as in, "Aren't we great, the British?"

No.

It's such a marvellous view, isn't it? 'Hotel management student Julius Olufemwe 'is equally passionate about the history and traditions of Britain.'

The Houses of Parliament.

What is so marvellous about this country, as well, is all of the special awards and the social status.

It's lovely to think that in this country you can be a baron or a marquess, eh?

Wouldn't it be such a lovely time to be able to say to your mother and father, "I've become The Marquess of Shropshire".

Just imagine that.

The Earl of Broadstairs, the Duke of Reading, the Viscount of Guildford…

Isn't that marvellous?

And to me that is what is the fabric of this country, what make it such a lovely time.

Steve Goodall is an outspoken talk show host on a local radio station in the Midlands.

I don't blame the blacks either, or the Asians.

That's exactly what I think.

I blame the left-wing liberal so-called intelligentsia.

We run this country down at every opportunity.

Reprimanded for clipping a hooligan round the ear.

What do they think we want the police to do?

Everybody else knows we're great, why don't we?

It's not Average Britain, is it?

It's Great Britain.

You know what they forget about?

Dunkirk.

Right let's have another call, shall we?

Steve.

Hello.

Nice to see you, hello.

Gary, hello, mate.

Welcome to Middle England Radio.

This is where it all happens.

This is where it happens, mate, this is where we are in touch with the best people in the world, mate.

Coventry, Birmingham, Derby, Nottingham, Peterborough…

Best country in the world, best people in the world.

I understand you write a column in a newspaper as well?

In my humble opinion, it is all the fault…

…of the…

liberals.

What's this programme about?

The people of Great Britain.

I'm going to travel round England and…

Good luck with that, mate, you'll never get that commissioned.

No, we have.

What, on Dave, one of the cable channels.

You'll never get that away at the BBC, mate.

It's for the BBC, we're doing it now.

They won't let you get a foot…

They're not interested in the British people.

We're filming it now.

You've had it commissioned?

Yes.

Oh, right, well, good luck to you.

But, one thing is for sure, they'll never let you film somebody like me, a true English patriot.

My views are unpopular.

We're filming you now.

You are going to be on this programme.

Whenever I was a small boy, as small as that or even smaller, perhaps I was that small.

Down there, OK?

When I was down there, I was reading about the Houses Of Parliament.

About Her Majesty the Queen.

About the British history.

So, I'd known it even before I could speak.

When I was sucking my mother's nipple in my mouth, OK, and drinking my mother's milk, and the milk was running down the side…

OK.

I was thinking to myself, "My goodness me, what a lovely tradition the British have."

So where does the name Britain come from?

From Diodorus.

And could you just explain to the people at home who Diodorus was just in case they don't know who he or she was?

Yes, well, Diodorus was a Greek traveller and his writings are the earliest extant work in which the Britons are named.

Although, of course, they were actually called Pretani and Britain is his Greek rendering of that.

Right.

It's very interesting, actually - the Brythonic term, Priteni, is very similar to the Goidelic word, Cruithne.

OK, let's forget about the Privins and the Drivens and all those people and let's get on to when Great Britain became the United Kingdom.

Which was when?

In the Middle Ages.

1707.

Oh, really, as late as that?

This is one of the key dates in British history.

This is one of those dates that should be as well known as the ever-popular 1066.

This is forging of Great Britain.

You can't dictate to everyone and say, "You must all know this date".

We all choose…

I'm not dictating to people to expect them to know just a little bit about their own history.

You seem to be jealous of 1066, like, "The ever-popular 1066."

I'm not jealous of 1066.

You're angry about it.

I'm bored to tears by it.

'Ello, my love, how are you?

I'm all right today, thanks, darling.

What are the strawberries like?

Oh, they're delicious.

50p for them.

Linda Darling works in Deptford Market in one of the most culturally diverse parts of Britain. 'Ello, love.

Linda, hello.

Gary Bellamy.

Oh, my goodness, it's Gary.

Hello, love!

Oh, I listen to your radio show.

You're a right diva, aren't you?

Ain't you handsome?

Thank you very much.

Oh, I never expected that.

I wouldn't kick you out of bed for farting.

It's a very early start for you, isn't it, the market trade?

Yeah, I get up early, with the birds.

Yeah, I do.

What time do you kind of knock off?

You're so handsome, ain't ya?

What time do I knock off?

About four, five o'clock, you know.

Right.

Getting myself a Scotch and coke, settle down in front of EastEnders and I'm done for the day.

It's very much like EastEnders, isn't it?

No!

You're a silly basket, ain't ya?

It's great to meet some young people and hear your opinions and views on modern Britain.

Can I ask, do you like being British?

Are you proud to be British?

Who's proud?

Put your hands up if you're proud to be British.

Put your hands up if you're not proud to be British.

Put your hands up if you're indifferent.

Put your hands up.

I think people of my generation, certainly, we love the whole idea of England as it was in the '50s, you know.

The corner shop, the village green, you know.

Cambridge, Cornwall, all those things.

I mean, look at this place, it's absolutely marvellous with the sun glittering on the water, the boats, all these stones.

It's not changed for hundreds of years.

No.

Um, can't we go back?

If I was a one-eyed, black, disabled, lesbian Muslim, they'd be beating me door down and going have your own show, you know.

Steve, how many shows on the BBC have you seen fronted by a black, disabled Muslim lesbian?

Gary, the problem that people like I have in this country, MY country, is we haven't got a voice.

The liberal trendy lefty media, they've got it sewn up.

All these university types with their gay friends and their, I don't know, holiday homes in Tuscany.

What's wrong with Skegness?

You say that, you say the media's all left wing, what about the Daily Telegraph, The Times, the Daily Mail, the Express?

What about these newspapers?

What about radio DJs like John Gaunt, Nick Ferrari?

What about Jeremy Clarkson?

The problem is, Gary, people like me in this country, we haven't got a voice.

You've got your own radio show.

The good thing about Britain, what I love, everybody comes here.

Yeah.

You turn round there it's like the Congo, you turn round there it's like the Isle Of Wight.

I love that.

A lot of people don't like that, do they?

No, they have got a problem with it, but more fool them, I say, more fool them.

We want a little bit of a kaleidoscope, don't we?

Yeah.

Bit of a kaleidoscope.

Do you want a tomato?

OK.

Presumably, you know, some of the popular dates from our French campaigns, Battle of Agincourt, for instance.

Yeah, of course.

So are you going to entertain us with a stab at it?

Well, everyone knows the date of the Battle of Agincourt, it's one of the…

Yes, most people do.

It's one of those dates everyone knows.

Like 1066.

1066 seems to be the only date you know.

We've got everybody, ain't we?

Yeah.

We've got Vietnamese, we've got Bangaloris, Indipops.

We've got Germanics and Jews.

We've got everybody.

Mmm.

I don't like travelling, but I love meeting people, and let's face it, I'm not going to go to the North Pole, am I, and meet an Eskimo.

But I might meet one here who wants to buy a banana.

Do you see?

Yeah.

This is called I'm Not A Racist. "Like most people without any black friends, I'm definitely not a racist. "In the Thai I say hi as they bring me some tom kha gai. "In the Chinese I say, please, and keep clumsy comments between my knees. "But my Indian takeaway, I bring my travel knowledge into play and say I would love to go to Bombay. "The waiter laughs and says 'my family is from Jaipur' "and gives me a heated towel. "I think I'll have a pizza tomorrow."

Bombay is called Mumbai now.

Bombay is called Mumbai, is it?

! (WELSH ACCENT) Fee, fi, fo, fum, I smell the blood of an Englishman.

Gary Bellamy?

Yes.

Yeah.

Bryn, Bryn Tablock.

It's nice to meet you.

How are you, all right?

Yeah, fine, thanks.

Do you want to come in?

Oh, yes, please.

Are you English?

Yes.

Well, you can't, then.

See I've had this put in to stop you lot coming in by here.

No, I'm only joking man, having a laugh at you.

Are you English?

Yes.

Get out, get out of my bloody street.

No, I'm only joking, having a laugh with you.

It's not really to keep the English out?

Course not, to keep the dog in.

Ah.

Battle of Agincourt?

I reckon that's 15 something.

1512.

1415.

I wasn't far off.

You were 100 years off.

OK, this is going well, isn't it?

There's more castles, right, on the English-Welsh border than anywhere else in the world.

They crushed this bloody country, that lot.

Look around at them, right, they're not even English, they're Anglo-Saxon, right.

We're the real bloody English, we are.

Right?

So if you hate the English, that means you hate yourself?

Aw, see, you're twizzling that around now, see.

No.

I am saying that Gaelic people are what I call the original Britons, right?

Right, so do you consider yourself English, real English or Welsh?

Don't be fucking daft.

I don't fucking consider myself English.

You just said you did!

You're twizzling, you see.

You are, you bloody are, you're twizzling around now.

Right.

OK, I'm Welsh, right?

Yes.

Remember this proverb, it's very, very simple.

And we have this in my country, we have it in your country also.

You never know what you've got until it's gone.

Yeah, I've heard that.

You never know what you've got until it's gone.

OK?

Yeah, what's going?

The traditions of the British society.

I think we're still keeping hold of them.

You know, the Jubilee in 2002 was huge, it was a huge event.

I watched that on the television and the one thing I noticed, they were playing all sorts of foreign music.

There was no Morris dancing.

There was British music.

Brian May was on top of the Palace playing God Save The Queen.

What could be more British than that?

And how long was he doing that?

About two and a half minutes.

There you go.

Winston Churchill would be disgusted with you.

Brian May should be playing for an hour.

Three hour, five hour, ten hour!

Brian May should be playing until he can't even stand up.

Brian May should be collapsed on the ground, crying in pain asking them, "Please, I can't play no more".

And the policeman should come and kick him, "Get up, are you British or not?"

I'm an English patriot, Gary.

I'm not interested in black people.

I don't mind them.

I say good luck to them.

You know, they're proud of their heritage, good on them.

Don't forget, Gary, where we live.

Mmm.

You know where we live, don't you?

You know what this country is called?

Yeah, Great Britain.

GREAT Britain, Gary.

That's it.

You said it.

Not Mediocre Britain or Rotten Britain or Tired Old Saggy Britain.

Great Britain.

When Henry V or whoever it was came up with what are we going to call it?

Great Britain.

Actually, I think you'll find it's called Great Britain because it's the greater mass, it's the land mass.

It doesn't mean great as in great.

It's just great as a big thing.

Now look, the French call us, they call us Grande Bretagne, whatever they call it.

The Germans call us Grass Britain, you know.

It all means the same thing.

I'm saying, even they know we're great.

Why don't we think we're great anymore?

That's just the name of the country…

Can you imagine, Gary, the union…

There's been a lot of fuss lately, hasn't there, about should we celebrate St George's Day?

Yes.

I can't think for a moment why we should.

This idea we've got patron saints for different countries.

Isn't that a farce?

I mean, you know, I bet you don't know half the patron saints of any other countries in the world.

Only…

Wales…

Ethiopia.

Have they got one?

Yes.

Have they?

What about Lithuania?

I don't know, have they?

No, they have.

Russia.

Well, they have, they must have.

Yes, Portugal.

Yeah.

But you don't know who their patron saints are.

No.

They fervently celebrate them.

Greece, you've probably been on holiday to Greece.

I've been to Greece.

Well, who is the patron saint of Greece?

I don't know.

Ironically, the patron saint of Greece was born in Turkey.

Turkey.

Right.

They're age-old enemies.

Palestine…

Now at least the Palestinian patron saint actually died in Palestine.

He wasn't…

from Palestine.

But do you know what?

What?

The patron saint of all those countries is St George.

Really?

Yes, the same bloody saint for the lot of them.

Australian Nicky Ambrose runs his own chain of cocktail bars and has very strong views on the English.

Where's the ambition in this country?

What do you want to do?

"I want to be on TV."

Yeah, I want to be on telly.

Then what?

Well, hopefully we'll make a programme…

And then what?

You'd make a programme…

And then what?

Something will sell around the world, then hopefully in years to come generations will watch…

I employ over 400 people.

They go back to their houses and say, "We've cooked this".

I employ people.

Look!

You don't employ these people.

These people are employed by the BBC, another corporation propped up by an illegal licence fee.

It's not illegal!

Of course it's illegal.

You've got to pay for that drivel.

Drivel?

Hang on…

It's nonsense.

The BBC makes the best television programmes in the world.

Hello, Nicky Ambrose, what's the news?

(IN CARIBBEAN ACCENT) Respect, yeah.

Me love that, yeah.

History, me love that, yeah.

I love history of England, right.

Because, let me tell you this, Englishman know that down in India, Indian man come up and make that noise. "Ah, nnnn, nnn," Englishman say, "Shut up, you nice Indian whatever".

We run tings just so.

Yeah.

Same thing Chinaman.

Chat them, shit.

"Nnnn nnnnn nnnn."

England man say, "Shut up, you Chinaman."

One chop in them neck, yeah.

Make them sure we run things just so.

England man reaching Scotland.

Scots boy come and make them noise, you know, "Och di whooo, di hidey hoo," you hear dem going.

England man say "Shut up, you Scotch boy!"

Get over the wall.

Kick him in the neck.

That's it.

We run things just so-so.

This is strictly England, strictly Morris dancing that go on in this area.

Yeah.

Let me tell you something now, right.

Nuff man don't want to know this, you know.

No.

England, man.

Yeah.

Rule the world because England man are the biggest, vicious killer.

And it hurt.

In the what?

In the hurt.

In the herd?

And it hurt!

Your immigration policy is literally like, come in, take my trousers down, slap me on the arse, take whatever you want and then turn the light off before you leave.

Oh, please, come over, will you, we've got a house sleeps 16 people.

It's pathetic.

It's not like that.

Immigrants add a lot to society.

You're an immigrant.

You've added a lot to society here.

Hello…

Yeah, I've already spoken about this to Mark.

Well, you can go home if you want.

Oh, right…

Ah-ha…

Right.

Did you fuck her?

..

Oh, yeah?

Jesus!

Always the quiet ones, mate, isn't it?

Yeah.

OK, kid.

See you later.

Ah, Jesus.

What are you doing?

I've just got a text.

Who's that from?

It's a picture from Michaela, my girlfriend.

Michaela?

She's at the zoo.

She took her nephew to the zoo to see some animals.

What are you?

Some kind of pussy? "I've got a text from Michaela. "She's at the zoo with her nephew."

Don't let her send you shit like that.

I asked Sam Maitland what her views on immigration were as a Christian.

I've thought about this a lot, and I think if you invite somebody into your house, then you have to give them a very warm welcome.

And I think we either have to make our welcome a lot warmer or we have to be a little bit more disciplined about who we invite into our house.

And at the moment, I think we're getting both things wrong.

I suppose it's a little bit like at Christmas when you invite an uncle over and he's just got remarried to, like, a younger wife.

And they've got new children.

And it's a bit awkward.

They don't get on with the other side of the family…

The trouble with your analogy is, I don't know about this particular uncle, this particular young wife, or indeed the children.

Well, he's about 50 and he used to work in the Carpet Warehouse before he got made redundant.

Everyone wants wooden floors these days.

And he's basically had a terrible falling out with his brother over some…

Well, someone died in the family and his wife took all the Chinese furniture from him.

I just can't get involved with this uncle because I don't know.

Nor can the family, and that's why it's annoying he's turned up at this party.

Was he invited?

I think he's bipolar.

He disappears.

But he's not an immigrant, is he?

No…

So how does he help in our discussion?

To tell the truth, yeah, we didn't want to come here.

Pakistanis, we didn't want to come here.

So what if have you got education and that?

So what if you can get Nintendo?

So what if you can drive a car?

So what if you get mobile phones?

So what if you get free housing?

So what if you get dole money?

So what if you get free hospitals?

So what if you get all of that?

We didn't want to be here.

We would much rather be like in Pakistan and that, innit.

What's there?

What can you get there?

It's like hotter and that, innit?

To be honest with you, Gal, I don't like them, all right?

You know?

I just don't like 'em, all right.

I don't have to like 'em, do I?

Do you know what I mean?

Where does it say I have to like 'em?

I don't like 'em, all right?

They come over here, you know what I mean, they're not part of this country, they're not part of our history, they're a different colour, ain't they, you know.

They've got a different way of life.

You know what I mean?

And you know, I don't like 'em.

They smell, some of them…

I don't think you should be saying…

Cause a lot of trouble…

I don't think you should be saying this.

What do you mean?

You shouldn't be saying things like that.

What, I can't talk about squirrels like that?

Ah!

Ha-ah!

Squirrels?

Yeah, you see?

You thought I was talking about Pakis, didn't you?

That makes you, that makes you a racist.

Yeah.

What you thought, right, you thought, yeah, I was talking about squirrels.

Let's not fuck about, mate.

I done you up like a kipper there.

I done you, I done him there, didn't I?

I done you.

You did.

I done you.

No, I done you, I done you right up.

I done you, I done you there.

I done you, I done you.

All right, you done me.

I done you.

Yeah, you done me.

I done you right up, mate.

Let's talk about…

Do you want to talk about something different?

I done you, I done him there.

I done you right up.

All right, you done me.

You done me right up.

I done you right up.

I done you right up.

I done you.

I done you.

All right.

Come on, it's gone on far too long.

I done you, mate.

All right, I get the gist.

I done you.

I done you.

I done you.

I done you.

I'm trying to say that the immigrants are a bit like my uncle.

I think you've got a bit bogged down with your uncle.

What?

Not my uncle, the uncle…

You've got a bit bogged down.

Not MY uncle…

I can't get involved with your uncle because I don't know him.

Let's forget the uncle and get into another analogy.

Must we?

Well, you started it.

Did I?

Telling me about people to come in.

That's quite straightforward.

Your analogies are much more tortuous than mine.

Hang on a minute.

What about a party and you invite people to come but you get gatecrashers?

Well, that's quite another thing because they really weren't invited.

That's quite cut and dried.

Then I say, out they go, they weren't asked.

So gatecrashers at parties should be put in detention centres?

No, because gatecrashers at parties aren't illegal immigrants.

What if some of them are?

There he is.

Pablo!

Pablo Conscious arrived in Britain from Jamaica in the 1960s and has had problems with the authorities ever since.

Step forward, step forward.

Yeah, look at this.

Wow.

This is good.

Did you build all this yourself?

So would you consider yourself British?

Some are the ones that are chosen, some are the infidel.

Only some can come through the strait.

On one side is Scylla and on the other side is Charybdis.

A whirlpool and a monster.

Only Argonaut reach through, because Titus shall guide them.

Like when I reach to Ramsgate, stupid little custom boy give me lyrics…

in the passport section.

Mm.

Well, let's try you on another couple of dates.

This is fun(!

) The Spanish Armada, where we managed to prevent the Spanish from invading, and thus we speak English today and not Spanish.

Have a stab at that one.

1492.

1588.

Signing of the Magna Carta.

Absolutely crucial date the founding of British democracy.

1215.

No.

All right, yes, you got that right.

But it was a lucky stab, wasn't it?

We did it in school.

Well, there we are.

I'm not completely despairing.

You've filled me with a modicum of hope.

Yes, I remembered a number.

Well done, me, I remembered a number.

I mean, I'll level with you, Gary Bellamy.

This is a dying nation.

It's finished.

You're a dead duck.

And you know who's picking up the pieces?

We are.

The Australians.

We're over here, mate.

We're doing it.

I mean, how can you sit there without getting angry?

You're so wet.

You're nothing.

You're part of a dying nation.

Drink that.

I'm OK.

Just drink it, mate.

It's a bit too strong.

"It's a bit too strong for me."

Have a drink.

Drink it down, mate.

It won't kill you.

Like a baby.

How was that, mate?

You like that?

Now say after me…

God, no, shh!

"We are part of a dying nation."

Say it.

Say, "I am weak and I'm part of a dying nation."

No.

Say it!

No! "I am weak and I'm part of a dying nation."

Say it.

You're hurting me.

"I am weak.

I am weak."

No.

"I am weak.

I'm weak."

OK, I'm weak.

I'm part of a dying nation.

"I'm weak and I'm part of a dying nation."

I'm part of a dying nation.

Yeah.

Now, do you feel better?

Yeah?

I could name every English monarch since England">William The Conqueror in order.

Yes, well, I can name every single Doctor Who from William Hartnell in order.

Willy, Willy, Harry, Stee, Harry, Dick, John, Harry Three.

One two three Neds, Richard 2, Harrys 4, 5, 6, then who?

Edward 4, 5.

Dick the Bad, Harrys twain and Ned the Lad…

The frog land on the head.

Quack, quack, quack, quack.

That'd be a sign to all the little animals out there.

And them loop on the sound and feed from there, moving forward to righteousness.

Never before have the Maccabee controlled the world, the whole of nature.

And that's what them want.

I didn't get whether…

So you think that we're not British, we're all part of the same thing?

Is that what you're trying to say?

Let us sing a song together to celebrate the unity of nature, the itality, itality of love.

My parents came to Wales once and they were very…

The people, the Welsh are very cold towards the English, you find that quite a lot, don't you?

You find that quite a lot.

I don't believe that at all.

They can be cold.

On an individual basis, especially in the valleys, we're very friendly.

Up there, North Wales, (in nasal voice) they talk like that.

I don't like them.

I don't like North Wales, I don't like Mid Wales.

I don't really like people in Swansea that much.