have Bobby Ball tomorrow.

A join us This programme contains some strong language.

This programme contains Hello and welcome to Mock The Week.

I'm Dara O'Briain.

Joining me are Andy Parsons, Andi Osho and and Russell Howard and Hugh Dennis and Stewart Francis.

We start as ever with our round called Headliners.

Here is a picture of Tony Blair recently, but what does BGBC stand for?

Britain's biggest holepuncher celebrates.

Is it Blair's guilt free blood stained conscience?

Is he just suggesting what he thinks the next thing that should happen, is it bomb Germany, bomb China?

That would have been an maizing turn in -- amazing turn in the inquiry.

"If I was in power, you would be gone.

" Is it Blair, Great Britain's catastrophe?

Is it like like balder, Is it Blair given blue cordon?

Is it everything the British Army didn't have when we went to war?

Bullets, guns, bombs, choppers?

Is it Bush's grinning bum chum?

Would someone give me the answer?

Blair grilled by Chilcot.

Very good.

Yes, the answer I was looking for was Blair grilled by Chilcot.

This is Tony Blair's appearance before the Chilcot inquiry.

Blair spent six hours testifying in front of the panel and declared he had no regrets about ousting Saddam Hussein.

Was grilled the right word?

really.

It says a lot about the Government inquiry that Fern Britton got more out of him than they did.

You have a Government inquiry trying to make him tell the truth and he didn't and Fern Britton went come on, and he went "I did it.

" "did Saddam have the bombs?

" I did it, Alan, I did it.

The only lawyer present, the only one trained in cross-examination was the one who was being interviewed.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

You looked at the committee and they were so useless.

Should have Got rid of the oldest one and brought in Alesha Dixon instead.

They were trying to get the truth out of Blair.

They were not trying to find out who lied.

The point of the committee is to find out if lessons can be learned about the invasion of Iraq.

So it will be a short report.

Don't.

What is difficult for us to swallow is that he appears to have been swayed by Bush.

It is incredible because Bush wrote him letters.

Imagine those letters, "dear Tony, here is a picture of a horse.

" That's who he went with.

Blair got heckled.

It was hard for a politician because they can't deal with heckling in the same way.

Blair couldn't turn around and say, "going in was the right thing to do as I said to your mum last night.

" In Iraq the main reason we went to war was this 45 minute claim and what has come out recently is that 45 minute claim, do you know where the intelligence came from?

It came came from an Iraqi mini-cab driver.

Why would you take intelligence from an Iraqi mini-cab driver on timing?

"when will the missiles arrive?

" "45 minutes".

Where are the missiles?

"they are just around the corner.

" He was part afband called Ugly Rumours.

If only the band was called Leave It Lads, He's Only Bluffing.

Why is Blair in the money?

He has a fragrance.

He has a fragrance out that is called Denial!

Whose gagging order was overturned?

John Terry.

There he is.

Excellent.

It is so sad.

His team-mates are spitting on him.

This is the news the High Court overturned injunction from having John Terry being named in a sex scandal.

It is such a non story, footballers flagging around.

It is like finding out that the BNP don't like Dizzee Rascal.

Would you reckon the fans will forgive him?

As if football fans care.

All football fans do is sing.

They are like an ASBO choir!

John Terry will have to apologise to Fabio Capello.

Why is he apologising to Fabio Capello?

He is Italian.

He expects this in his country.

I did notice though that Manchester City players had a shirt underneath which said "team Bridge.

" I wasn't sure what they were trying to say.

Whether they were trying to show solidarity with Wayne Bridge or say, "yes, we've flagged her as well.

" feel sorry for his parents, when his mum read the headlines in the paper she stole she immediately…

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

She immediately phoned her husband on the family mobile, not the one he uses for the drug deals and said, "where have we gone wrong with this one?

" Terry is both the captain and the captain of Chelsea who are the FA Cup holders.

Thank you.

But he was going on about, one of the reason that the review was overturned was sponsorship.

Terry doesn't get that much sponsorship.

There are no John Terry aftershaves because they would be called The Salty Tears or Conclusion by John Terry.

What is funny, people say, "how could he cheat on his wife?

" the girl was a French underwear model.

French underwear model.

That's like saying to a dog, "walkies, din dins, belly rub.

" Terry was described as a serial womaniser, brawler and drinker.

Surely he is perfect to represent England!

But surely there is something wrong with the fact that the papers in this country every time England is about to compete in a major tournament and has any chance, scupper it by trying to screw over the team.

Maybe he would be good at captain, still there.

It is the whole idea, if you are captain you are supposed to be able to to bullock members of your team.

"you make that mistake again and I'll flag your misses.

" This clip features the Royal Family.

How are you doing?

What can I tell you, the Democrats had the choice between a woman and a black man and they went for the black man.

Can you believe that?

I can't really believe that was the choice.

Yes, well, how charming.

Does anybody know who that was?

Was that Judith Chalmers?

Bloody, dreadful woman.

Hello darling.

Oh god.

Oh god.

I'm terribly sorry, I dropped my Oyster card.

I have come to see the Queen.

Hello, are you a giant.

Oh, god, I hate these things.

They are so tedious.

Wait a minute there, is the guy I'm waiting for.

I'm starving, I will have two lamb passandas.

Hurry up about it.

Philip, please, that is the President of India.

Yes, that's the restaurant we always go.

These are the leaders of the free world, please don't say anything offensive.

I never do.

What do you mean?

There are thousands of them.

It is It is like bloody Dover.

We're a tiny country.

Oh, hello, are you Korean.

I love your culture.

Yes, don't worry, I've locked up the Corgis.

Now, we play a round called scop who will be the -- Who will be the Sheriff of Mockingham.

The winners is whoever I think the funniest.

The first topic, please.

The first subject is nationality.

Listen, your national identity starts where you grow up.

I grew up in a place called Ireland.

Thank you.

It's a good place for comedy people.

Sometimes in Ireland you don't even have to write jokes.

It is just in the newspaper!

Last year an orang-utan escaped from Dublin Zoo and in the newspaper and I I quote his zookeeper said, "we believe he was planning it for years.

" The reverse engineered his climb.

He had cultivated a tree.

What the hell kind of monkey Shawshank Redemption is that?

Do we have any English people here?

Welcome English people.

My son is English.

That's how he talks.

"hello dad.

" Do you know how stainingly baffling it is for an Irishman to have found out that he accidentally made Englishmen?

OK, let's spin the wheel again.

The subject is family.

Who wants to come in on that.

Andy.

OK, so I grew up in a Nigerian household and I don't know if you know, but there is a lot of strong discipline in a Nigerian household.

The best example of Nigerian discipline I heard on the bus.

There was a woman on the bus.

Her name was Auntie.

She had a little daughter with her and the daughter was about four or five, she was messing around and she wanted her to stop.

This is what she said, Nigerians take discipline too far.

She said, "do you want me to go to jail?

" The little girl to be fair to her said, "yes.

" The woman's reply, "OK when we we get home, I'm going to kill you.

You will not have to see me again.

" The white people looked like this section, they were, "that's funny, but we're going to report that shit.

" The black people were like, "that's good.

That's good.

" Thank you very much.

OK, that leaves Russell and Stewart, the next sunt, please -- subject, please.

It's work.

Who wants to come in on that.

Away you go, Stewart.

I don't think I got the job at Microsoft, they haven't responded to my telegram.

It He is a trap trap trap ease artist but I was let go.

I made clown shoes which was no small fete.

I quit my job as a taxidermist for doing a half ass job.

As an accountant I was fired after only half an hour.

I quit high job at the helium gas factory.

I refused to be spoken to in that tone.

Russell, let's see what you have been left with.

Let's spin the wheel.

And it's shong.

There is a lady at the back, whooping, looking at a basket.

My favourite place to go shopping, I love budget shops like Aldi and Lidl.

My mum gets so excited "1 pence for beans" there is a reason.

Have you seen inside, there is no sauce, they are swimming in their tins.

They are not supermarkets, they are shelters for abused food.

Broken bifbts, "I was in a hobnob war" reformed Hal.

What is that?

Manage special, you're telling me, he's licking the trolleys!

() The points go to Andi and Russel.

() The next round is called If This Is The Answer…

What Is The Question, on the boards are six categories.

- - Andi.

Science.

Is it the number of Premiership footballers kids who look like John Terry?

Is it if Goebel warming continues, when will all ginger people melt?

Is it how many people at home are petrified as that is in fact their pin code?

Especially as now my eyes are following them around the room.

There is nowhere you can go.

I'm looking at you.

Looking at you.

Gocha!

Is it when will Dara O' Brian some um to my surveillances?

-- Some um to my advances?

Is it the number of time mass Madonna has tried to adot me?

Is it the year that this episode of TV show will stop being shownen on Dave?

Is it when do experts think that Dappy from N-Dubz will be able to read?

Have you seen what he likes look?

-- looks like?

He looks like an ASBO Noddy.

It is in what year did the IPCC predicted that all of the ice would melt from the Himalayas?

That's it.

The question I was looking for, what did the UN climate science panel wrongly assert what year the Himalayans ice glacier would melt.

Ignoring warnings, so this was a false claim that he made, where did they get the information?

They based it on a dissertation from a geography graduate, an article in a climate magazine and a chat with an Iraqi taximan!

It was from a climbing magazine, know what it was called?

Glacier Climbing?

Climb Rocks!

Eat My Rocks Yeti!

Was it just called Climbing?

Yes, it is a magazine like a 14-year-old learning the names of rivers.

Excuse me, I was a geography student and did a dissertation.

I did it on the spacial distribution of elementary ellocution of 19th century Wakefield.

It won that year's award for -- award for the world's most tedious dissertation.

I have a tedious joke about carbon emissions, start the car!

That's it!

() Well, a surprising figure has entered the climate change de bait -- debate.

It is Osama Bin Laden.

It is bizarre.

Finding out that Osama Bin Laden cares about the planet?

So difficult to get your head around.

Like finding out that Boris Johnson is northern!

Let's face it, most of the work he claims credit for is aeroplane based.

What he did after 9/11, is to re claim and replant trees.

He has been putting out more stuff than mike make mike.

I say "Hello, Kabul" it was awesome.

It was an audio tape that he sent it as opposed to a video tape.

So it appears we have not hit Osama Bin Laden but we have hit his video camera.

What did he claim?

That the Detroit bomber was a hero.

He failed!

All he did was scorch the inadequacies.

It makes you think how bad are the other suicide bombers?

Like, Osama Bin Laden, I have a plan, this is an ejector seat for a helicopter.

Apparently, the guy, Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, that's not what I was chanting.

Well done.

That is what you were chanting earlier.

Well, Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, it is said, that as claimed in the questioning that there will be to more like him.

I think it was meant to scare people who would have gone 20 more guys like those in 9/11, we would be scared of that, but 20 more guys that set fire to their cars, we can handle that.

Who said that?

Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab!

I love the fact when news readers say his name, they give themselves a hi-five, but it is just a name.

I got through to a radio DJ, I told him my full African name, it is we wandy.

It is three sill billions, he was sorry, he could not pronounce it, he outlined call me Jo.

He didn't even try.

I hope that there is the equivalent of a situation in Nigeria, a little English kid calling up, and them saying OK, you are going to be on the air soon, what is your name?

Charles.

Cheese?

Charles.

I can't pronounce that, I'm going to call you u Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab!

That's the point.

I don't use my real name either.

What did Tesco ban this yeek -- week?

Pijamas.

She said, you don't realise how difficult it is, I haven't got time to get dolled up, I don't even have time for a cup of tea.

Dress code.

My customers at Tescos don't even have a DNA code.

There is a kind of a thing, it is She's made an effort!

There is people slagging her off, saying she got out of bed, but she put them on specifically.

She wouldn't have worn her second-rate PJs, that would have been a chavvy disgrace.

This has the ingredients of a right old classic British Cary On movie ding-dong.

The supermarket where this happened is a part of England called St Mellons!

I hope this doesn't happen in my Tescos, I sleep in the nude, ladies!

Why is this ironic?

Because they sell push-up bras for six-year-olds?

Martin Clunes.

He has done an advert in which he goes into Tesco's in PJs.

You advertise this!

You said it is OK!

Oh, it is OK for Martin Clunes to do this!

It is an advert, it is not real life.

Meerkats don't wear a waistcoat.

Gorillas are not excited about drumming!

OK, at the end of that round, the points go to Andy and Stuart.

Now we have come to Scenes We'd Like to See.

So make your way to the performance area please.

We will see what the panellists can Hi.

Welcome to Ross Kemp On Leotards!

Now, I would like all of you ladies to turn around, face away from me, bend over and touch your toes…

Owww.

I'm Madonna, a 50-year-old woman with a body of a who-year-old man!

Hi, I'm Michael Owen, welcome to my, oh, no, it's gone again!

Welcome to masturbate yourself thin, remember, swap arms or you'll end up looking like a wonky Popeye.

Want to have the top story of body that drives your friends crazy?

Hi, I'm John Terry!

Hi, today I'm on a Swiss ball, uncomfortable, especially for the Swiss man it belongs to.

Hey, want to lose weight and gain a friend?

Why not insert a tapeworm?

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm the living proof you can exercise yourself straight!

Everybody wants a six-pack, I do and I've already a five of you…

Hi, I'm Cheryl Cole, welcome to pie boxercise video, for the first work out, you need a Nigerian toilet attendant and a really good lawyer!

OK!

Go on, see if you can raise your leg as high as I can.

I bet you can't, because I'm Heather Mills!

OK.

The next Nimesow, where the lock have you been?

-- nemo!

Look, Mr Bond, do you want to hire the Ford Focus or not?

Mr Vader, we are the Child Support Agency…

You want the truth?

You can't handle the truth.

Welcome to the Fox News channel.

Warning this film contains Jennifer Aniston!

Spider-Man, look out, it's rolled up Newspaper-Man.

Aaargh…

Excuse me, sorry, where do you want to go, Hans?

ET got bone.

M, I've worked out what to do with Goldfinger, we put him in an envelope marked Cash My Gold.

do you think of my Fathers 4 Justice costume, Robin?

Hmm-mm, cracking heroin, Gromit!

Look, I'm an ex-Prime Minister, standing before an Iraq Inquiry, asking them to love him!

Oi!

Oi!

Hermione, cockus engorgio!

So, this mission is Impossible?

Let's not bother!

Andy Dufresne, when he walked into Shawshank, I knew he was locked!

Revenge will be mine, Mr Bond, when we meet in small claims court!

the force, Luke.

If that doesn't work, turn it off and turn it back