...all the way from America. Please give all your love for the fantastic Mr Rich Hall, ladies and gentlemen. Woo! Yee-ha! Thank you! I have no Western...get that dignity. They step me forward and the greeter says "Your Majesty, Rich Hall, comedian". She d

...ladies and gentlemen. The only person I recognise in the entire room is Don Johnson from Miami Vice. Of all the people you would imagine… no, just...Don Johnson from Miami Vice. Of all the people you would imagine… no, just Don Johnson. And he's po

...things you can do with it. You can fold the Queen over and make her look like John McEnroe. That's a good hour right there. The most astounding thing about...

...and gentleman, Jon Culshaw! I love Jon Culshaw. I can do impressions. I can do Jools Holland. Can I see if you fancy it? This is it. Basically, Jools Holland...I can do Jools Holland. Can I see if you fancy it? This is it. Basically, Jools Holland is a

...ladies and gentlemen. You did not see me here tonight. If anyone asks, you saw Lionel Richie live at the Apollo. Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen....

...just withdrew and I heard this, "Merci". Jeez! Does it get cleaner? ! Oh, Jon Culshaw! Hi, John. Ladies and gentleman, Jon Culshaw! I love Jon Culshaw. I...! Oh, Jon Culshaw! Hi, John. Ladies and gentleman, Jon Culshaw! I love Jon Culshaw. I can do imp

...imagine… no, just Don Johnson. And he's porked out these days. He's got that William Shatner kind of 10lbs of shit stuffed into a 5lb bag kind of look. Big...

...had a farm, E E E E E. It's not likely they'll get a Geordie to replace Carol Vorderman. "I'll have a vowel, please, Geordie." "That's an E." "Another...

...adult humour. Ladies and gentlemen, Please welcome your host for tonight, Michael McIntyre. Music: "Sex On Fire" by Kings Of Leon. Your sex is on fire…...

...Big red pillar box, write the mail…" "Postal strike." So when I watch Barack Obama, and he actually said this. This is what most Americans think. I...Americans think. I guarantee that Brits don't think like this. They just know. Barack Obama says, "W

...kind of work do you do there? Finance. Finance. What bank do you work for? Dresdner Kleinwort. I've ever heard of 'em. Who? Crechley Finewater? Dresdner...work for? Dresdner Kleinwort. I've ever heard of 'em. Who? Crechley Finewater? Dresdner Kleinwort

...if someone said, "Have you got a pen?" and I go, "I have the Argos pen." "The IKEA pencil? I'm not doing well in the credit crunch." Argos is the weirdest...

...the scope and tragedy of the World Trade Center to the bombs that blew up in London, but the reaction is completely different. America still has its entire..."So dwell on it now and then". Whereas in Britain, they blew up the buses in London, next day,

...Please give it up for Mr Rhod Gilbert! Hello! Hello, Apollo! Hello! I'm from Wales! JEERING Don't be like that. Do we have any Welsh people here? Yes!...Welsh people here? Yes! There's one! One person in 3,000. Did you grow up in Wales? Yes! It's tough

...Wear it! Put it on. Lose the tie. It doesn't look right. You look like a Dallas banker. What kind of work do you do there? Finance. Finance. What bank...

...I lied about the pen. "Can we ever get over this hurdle and start again?" In Argos, do you take the pen? You think of taking the pen. You're in Argos, you...again?" In Argos, do you take the pen? You think of taking the pen. You're in Argos, you look a

...football in?" My wife and I tried it until we were thrown out of the Raj King, Muswell Hill. So, ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for the first of your...

...of Darwin going… That's why Britain's very smart to disassociate itself from American economics when the whole big meltdown happened, right, because you...you studying? History. History. That goes back a long time, doesn't it? Try American history. C

...5lb bag kind of look. Big blue linen suit, going "I'm in Guys And Dolls in the West End. "Come on down!" And I think, "Holy shit, it's Don Johnson. "This is...

..."In God we trust", there wouldn't be a picture of Darwin going… That's why Britain's very smart to disassociate itself from American economics when the...I'm pretty sure the whole terrorism thing, I think, terrorism has given up on Britain, because w

...pay." And Argos went, "People don't want a shop like that! "They want a big BOOK of shopping!" You need to be in pretty good physical condition to get to...

...shit stuffed into a 5lb bag kind of look. Big blue linen suit, going "I'm in Guys And Dolls in the West End. "Come on down!" And I think, "Holy shit, it's...

...what can they possibly do? I would never compare the scope and tragedy of the World Trade Center to the bombs that blew up in London, but the reaction is...

...You know they weren't doing 70 before. Sometimes this happens and then you see Highways Agency. You have no jurisdiction here. Piss off! Where is Aggie? There...

...this activity enough. And then Rosenthal arrived. I know you best from the Grand Prix. We don't get to play at Grand Prix ourselves. The closest we get,...

...cagoule off? It's not rhetorical. I'm waiting for an answer. It's true. In the Bible, God made it rain for 40 days and 40 nights. Is that still the best...

...of Clean. The cleanest place I've ever been in my life was Montreal. I went to Wikipedia, because I've been to Geneva, that's a very clean place. And on...to Wikipedia, because I've been to Geneva, that's a very clean place. And on Wikipedia, there's l

...index of the book, don't you? You see people sort of limbering up, going… Whoa! Christ! Then when you find what you want, you have to do a little stock...

..."They'll step me forward and go, 'Your Majesty, "here's Moe the bartender from The Simpsons'". And she'd have something to talk about. But I don't even get...

...Well, I'm feeling slightly tense, because I've just been told this will be in HD. It'll be HD. You can see me in HD. Why would you want to see anyone in HD?...in HD. It'll be HD. You can see me in HD. Why would you want to see anyone in HD? Do people l

...Wooh! One evolutionist in the audience, apparently. With a big banner "In God we trust", there wouldn't be a picture of Darwin going… That's why...them. It's OK. Sorry, I was looking in the wrong pocket. I've got them. Oh, my God, I thought it was ov

...Americans believe that there's just one guy running the entire operation, one Lex Luthor evil guy sitting in a cave, pushing evil buttons. Every Brit knows...

...it's from the Queen, and it says "You, Richard Hall, are commanded to come to Buckingham Palace on such and such a day "in June to help celebrate Americans...I have to go?" And she says, "No, you don't have to go, but you should go to Buckingham Palace

...Every syllable that comes out of his face, he seems shocked at. Sort of BAD! LY! DRAWN! BOY! It seems quite confusing for him. I can do the Lottery man as...degrees of sexuality - either you're gay or you're not gay. "Oh, TREMENDOUSLY gay! Oh, the gaye

...you're driving. I'm car parked. Slow down, chaps, I'm pyjama'd. So, I met a Geordie recently. It was just me and him in a room. He said, "Are youse lookin'...at us?" How many mistakes can you make in one sentence? Seriously. A true Geordie says the let

...the campest man. The most obviously homosexual man I have ever seen was on Big Brother. There was this Scottish ballet dancer and he literally did ballet...

...gentlemen. The only person I recognise in the entire room is Don Johnson from Miami Vice. Of all the people you would imagine… no, just Don Johnson. And...

...you look like, OK? Deal with it. You'll probably notice when you go through Customs, people don't go, "Oh! You're so hideous, but quite model-like in the...

...hoo! Right. Oh, how thrilling. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to Live At The Apollo. Are you up for it? Are you up for a good night tonight?...bags." Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for the next star turn on tonight's Live At The Apoll

...this commandment. I opened it up, and it's from the Queen, and it says "You, Richard Hall, are commanded to come to Buckingham Palace on such and such a day...along beside me. Finally, one of them reaches over and says, "Is your name Richard Hall?" "Ye

...greeter steps Don Johnson forward, and he goes up to the Queen and says, "Your Majesty, Don Johnson, actor. She looks him right in the eye and says "Tubbs?"...She looks him right in the eye and says "Tubbs?" He says "No, Crockett, your Majesty. "It was

...gentlemen, Please welcome your host for tonight, Michael McIntyre. Music: "Sex On Fire" by Kings Of Leon. Your sex is on fire… Oh, it is my home from home!...